A Mother Cares:

The Genetic Fabrics of Self-Care and Self-Sacrifice

Gabriella Reamer

INTD 490: Maternal Theory

Lynn DiLorenzo, Ph.D.

October 26th, 2015

“To have borne and reared a child is to have done that thing which patriarchy joins with physiology to render into the definition of femaleness.”—Adrienne Rich, “Anger and Tenderness”[1]

The intrinsic knowledge I carry throughout my studies, the thread that ties my interdisciplinary journey together, is that my passion lies in healing and in the development of children, and therefore in the healing and development of myself. This place of intuitive caring is where my interests in maternal theory and the study of motherhood as an institution of oppression first bloomed. Notions and methodologies of self-care and self-sacrifice are where my educational journey and my interests in maternal theory merge. After reading the deeply resonant essays of the endlessly influential Alice Walker, Adrianne Rich, and many other women who shared their stories of oppression, I realized that my passions integrate organically around the stigma of a self-sacrificing mother within institutionalized motherhood. In order to bring my interests to fruition within community and within my educative process, I soon realized my goal to devise a way in which self-care is promoted within the mother and for the mother throughout the development of a child. In order to promote self-care as a developmental necessity for mothers and children in this society, I first need to understand my own social location through the habituated patterns that have been perpetuated by the women in my own family, and how these patterns of sacrifice and care shaped my own development. Only through knowing my roots will I fully be able to locate myself amongst others, understanding my own standpoint and places of privilege as well as oppression within the context of other narratives, perspectives, and realities.

Because my mother was sick for the majority of my childhood, I was raised predominately by my grandmother. Curious to know what methods of self-care she passed down to me as well as to my mother through her caring, and the reflections that my own mother holds on such methods, I decided to research the ways in which my grandmother sacrificed as well as cared for herself throughout her maternal experiences, and how these traditions were passed onto my mother. Through interviews with my grandmother and mother, this paper explores what methods of self-care as well as self-sacrifice have been patterned and perpetuated throughout my lineage.

To understand my family’s deepest connections to systematic oppression, I decided to first interview my grandmother, Debra Kirk, on her experience as a Caucasian, cis-gendered, lower class woman mothering within the patriarchal parameters of the 1960’s, and how she felt methods self-care were or were not passed to her. Talking for over an hour, I asked my grandmother four basic questions that acted as a sturdy platform, on which she eloquently described her relationship to motherhood: How do you feel self-care was taught to you in your relationship with your mother? What were your experiences as a young mother? What methods of self-care do you feel you have passed down to your children? What are the sacrifices you feel you made for your family?

 Debra Kirk was born in Baltimore, Maryland in 1943. After becoming a nurse practitioner and marrying her first husband, my biological grandfather Harvey Kershman, she had her first child—my mother—at age 20. Three years later, my aunt Randi was born into the family. Money was scarce until my mother’s teenage years. The family lived a low-income suburban lifestyle in Pikesville, Maryland. To raise her children, my grandmother quit her job as a nurse to assume the role of a full-time, stay at home mother. To understand how her roots in maternal instinct and mothering were implemented through her own care giving, the interview began with questioning around her relationship to self-care formed by passed and down from her mother. Debra perceived her mother’s relationship to her family as cold and despondent, with little guidance or support.  Through her description of how she developed as a child in relation to her mother, I immediately noticed themes of independence, as well as themes of overcompensation and subservience.

“My mother interestingly enough was very mean… The burden of the household fell on me…. I came home from school every day and maintained the household… When I got married, I didn’t want to live that kind of life, so everything was perfect clean and dinner was always on the table… I set that kind of example for the girls (her children).”[2]

I began to see the weaving of familiar threads, habits of self-sacrifice and self-care that have been passed through the generations, fibers that are resonant within my own ways of nurturing. My grandmother explained that even though her mother “wasn’t progressive enough or intelligent enough to verbalize it,”[3] she taught my grandmother that a vital key to self-care within motherhood is independence, stating: “In me, she (her mother) created an independent woman. It’s not a bad thing, it was just a lonely thing.”[4] From that point on, it was clear that her relationship to self-sufficiency and self-sacrifice were intertwined, directly effecting how she raised her children in the face of poverty and an abusive relationship. Moving as far away as possible from her mother’s behavior, Debra did her best to keep everything afloat for her children, trying to be in their lives as consistently as possible.

“…We really did struggle financially… I felt like I always wanted to give them what I could afford to give them…what I couldn’t give them financially I gave of myself. So my days were very filled with the kids… I was very much in their lives, and I never resented that… I tried never to make them feel like it was an issue.”[5]

In the midst of poverty, Debra was also dealing with abuse and negligence from her husband, Harvey. When talking about her relationship with him, she constantly addressed her incessant attempts to “cover up” for his absence and the difficulty of taking care of herself in the midst of the chaos at home.

“…. I would say to you 50% percent of the time he wasn’t there … when he decided to start a business, we started in our house and I basically ran the business. And ran the kids. And the household…. I had hoped that the girls never really suffered… I mean I was always covering up…. That was my role… and he made me know that that was my role.”[6]

Debra was raised to be “independent,” but also to serve those around her constantly, assuming the role of the martyr. In doing this, subservience was also welcomed into her romantic relationships, resulting in her constant “cleaning up” of her husband’s mistakes, his inconsistency, and even his violence. I can see how her concept of “independence” is deeply intertwined with the traditionally patriarchal assumption that a woman must be everything; do everything, live to serve for their children and husband as a martyr.  This is where she said self-care was fundamentally necessary, stating: “If you want to be a mother, you just have to know how to care for yourself.”[7] This mentality of independence was passed down to my mother, Lauri, as well, forming a strayed yet identical pattern of deeply rooted sense of independence and self-sufficiency. Yet, just like her mother, Lauri Kershman also attracted an abusive husband, my father, who was separated from my sister, mother and I shortly after our birth.

In my mother, I could once again see the pattern of independence intertwined with the subconsciously habituated mentality to take care of—or “clean up” after—and abusive partner, perpetuating the idea that a woman’s job is to care for everything, to be completely self-sacrificial. Eight months after my sister and I were born in 1995, she quickly moved away from her abusive husband, returning back home to Baltimore, Maryland to work at Johns Hopkins as a top anesthesiologist.  During my interview, Lauri touched on the importance on showing my sister and I the value of independence.

“I remember taking you to the hospital so you could see how respected I was. It was exciting for me to see you so proud… And I remember going to yoga every day and telling you, ‘when mommy comes back from yoga she’ll be a better mommy’… It was really important to me that you guys saw the value of self-care and independence early on. I think that’s what I learned from mom (Debra) the most.”[8]

Unfortunately, my mother did not have the opportunity to be active in my life. When I was ten, after she remarried and had her third daughter, she was almost immediately diagnosed with ALL, an aggressive and rare form of leukemia. It took six years for her to fully recover, and those years were fundamental to my transition into young-adulthood. Even still, I believe I have integrated the fabric of self-sufficiency and independence, of her impressive presence in my early childhood. Even her sickness was an opportunity for me to gain independence. However, I also believe that the pattern of subservience within romantic relationship was passed down to me as well. Because I recognize this deeply engrained, patriarchal pattern of psychological suppression, I am now currently working on unraveling the well-strung mentality that I need to be passive and self-sacrificial in relationship.

I can see similar narratives to my grandmother’s in the experiences of Adrienne Rich. In Rich’s essay “On Anger and Tenderness”, she discusses similar themes of subservience and self-sacrifice that my grandmother stated. She talked on the difficulty of holding within one’s maternal self an impossible duality of both pure and impure: “In order to maintain two such notions, each in its contradictory purity, the masculine imagination has to divide women to see us, and force us to see ourselves, as polarized into… pure or impure.”[9]  In my perspective, this impossible duality relates directly to the duality of independence and subservience, and how women—including the women in my family—were and are expected to contain both within relationship to their partners, as well as their children. Through my own exploration of independence and self-care, I hope to radiate this impossible duality within myself, and then through understanding how these roles affect forms of oppression, extend that radiation outwards. I feel the next step in my educational process is to put my experience as a white, cig-gendered, middle class woman beside the perspectives of other women and mothers, ones who have been oppressed under different circumstances.  This exploration of social location, context, and perspective will allow me to build a foundation of understanding how my patterns of independence/subservience fit into a larger context diverse oppressive natures.

Notes

Debra Kirk (Grandmother of interviewer), interviewed by Gabriella Reamer, Boulder, CO, October 14th, 2015.

Lauri Kershman (Mother of interviewer), interviewed by Gabriella Reamer, Boulder, CO, October 14th, 2015.

[10]

Bibliography

O’Reilly, Andrea, and Adrienne Rich. "Chapter 2: Anger and Tenderness." In Maternal Theory: Essential Readings, 11-26. 1st ed. Toronto, Ontario: Demeter Press, 2007.

Gabby Reamer

4/30/15

Gateway

Gaylon Ferguson

Learning Agreement

At the center of my orbit there lives an idea, a dream of our society’s reconnection to the self through innovative, progressive modes of child therapy. For my interdisciplinary path, I have chosen to entwine the studies of Early Childhood Education, Contemplative Psychology, and Writing, hoping to form a new perspective on the way we are currently addressing mental illness in our country. My interests in these subjects began in separate stages of my life, but managed to find their meeting point in my first semester at Naropa University.  I have always been greatly affected by children—their curiosity, wonder, and most importantly their imitative habits of observation and absorption. I have learned to fully contemplate the lessons I learned as a child, understanding that when we are young, we develop habits of thinking that carry us through to adulthood. These habits of thinking often steer us towards unhealthy directions, and it is our responsibility to heal these patterns. This is where I have found my fascination with Early Childhood Education. I believe it is important to teach children how to cultivate their sense of wonder, encouraging them to approach themselves with curiosity and compassion. Throughout my studies at Naropa University, I seek to cultivate a space in which I can fully contemplate my mind—using literature to expand my thinking through storytelling, so that I may create a space for children that fully integrates their challenging experiences through psychological, literary, and contemplative devices, allowing them to fully understand themselves through the combination of these apparatuses.

In order to fully understand the minds of others, I feel that I must first learn to understand my own. This is why I have chosen a school that practices contemplative learning in psychological fields. In her speech “Education Can Be Without Limitation”, Judith Leif, the dean of the Naropa Institute, noted the value in a contemplative learning environment, and the importance of self-contemplation within one’s own academic career. She discusses the “Buddhist” approach to learning, stating: “…the Buddhist approach is extremely simple: In order to understand our minds we have to look directly into the nature of our own minds.” (1) Here, Leif is addressing the importance of meditation and contemplative thinking within a learning environment, stating that it allows us to fully understand the material given to us by observing out “nature”. Through meditation, this observation will help us to understand our own patterns, allowing us to carve our individual educational path in whatever direction we choose. When discussing psychology, I find this method incredibly important. I believe that we need to open this space up to children who are in need of self-evaluation, allowing them to “look directly into the nature” of their own minds as well. This is why I have chosen to study contemplative psychology at Naropa.

Through personal experience within the realms of psychiatric fields, I have come to understand that there is an error within the way we are approaching adolescent mental illness within society. Along with a contemplative approach to therapy using mediation and self-reflection, I feel that in order to help someone internally, one must meet that person at their level, learning to empathize and speak their language. I believe that literature, storytelling, and writing can be of service to the therapeutic world in this way, which is why I have also chosen creative writing as an area of study. I have always found writing cathartic, allowing my thoughts to release onto paper, putting my emotion into a body that can be externally contemplated. Martha Nussbaum, author of Cultivating Humanity, touched on the importance of literature to a child’s development, stating: ““As children grow older, the moral and social aspects of…literary scenarios become increasingly complex… so that they gradually learn how to ascribe to others, and recognize in themselves, not only hope and fear, happiness and distress…but also more complex traits such as courage, self-restrain, dignity, perseverance, and fairness.” (99) Nussbaum is discussing the necessity of literature and storytelling to a developing child, for through stories, children can come to understand themselves as well as others. Stories carry the power of empathy. If a child can learn to express their feelings through the at of storytelling, they can come to understand themselves and others through their words. In the future, I hope to bring writing into therapeutic practices as a method of self-analysis. Form of writing such as letters, stories, and journals could potentially benefit patients greatly in their abilities to communicate with themselves and others.

Studying Early Childhood Education will give me the tools I need to fully intertwine these contemplative forms of therapy for children, teaching me the developmental patterns of children and their specific needs at certain ages, allowing me to connect to them on their level. My hope is that my interdisciplinary adventure will be a lesson of integration and contemplation, one that I can then proceed to work with and teach to others throughout my career. The goal of my integration is to find a path through the complexity of the modern world of therapy, one that includes the healing and observation of each child that I come across. Allen F. Repko often addresses this need to address modern problems through an interdisciplinary approach in his textbook, Interdisciplinary Research: Process and Theory, Stating: “The interdisciplinary research process presented in this book offers a way to apply basic research from relevant disciplines to two types of problems: complex, real-world problems that concern society and science and the need for meaning making that is the focus of humanities…” (52) Here, Repko is addressing the need to understand our modern-day issues through the interdisciplinary lens. By combining multiple areas of study, INTD formulates a new perspective on the issues at hand, forming a complete understanding of modern situations by using different approaches through multiple disciplines. This is what I intend to learn how to do at Naropa’s Interdisciplinary program, using the disciplines of Contemplative Psychology, Creative Writing, and Early Childhood Education to fully understand myself and others in a new light produced by all three areas of study. Hopefully, my process will also teach me how to allow children to explore these interdisciplinary principal as well, applying their self-awareness and integrative skills to their lives through the combination of mediation, storytelling, and therapy.

The questions I intend on asking throughout my educational process exist because of these containers of healing, and my hopes to combine them, creating a new perspective on child therapy. Questions such as: What is the current state of the psychiatric world? Are more progressive forms of therapy currently growing in popularity? How can I connect the therapeutic world to the world of education? What is wrong with the way we are currently teaching children today? How can we benefit from taking a more empathetic approach in our classrooms? Can we create an educational facility in which students can feel safe to talk and write about their feelings? How can my passion for writing translate into a new form of therapy for children? Are there existing methods of writing therapy currently in use? I intend to answer these questions through the course of my education at Naropa, cultivating an innovative outlook on the way our society is currently approaching education, therapy, and writing.

I intend to conduct extensive research on these current worlds of education, therapy, and writing, creating a collection of individuals who are attempting to reach a similar goal as mine. So far, the research has been difficult, as my ideals are quite specific. I have found these passions from looking inward, reflecting on the deeply personal occurrences I have had with myself as well as others. As of now—though I have begun my education process and my research—I am still holding the space of not knowing, which will allow me to think freely, research the duality in my beliefs, and gather a full understanding of what I am to accomplish from my journey at Naropa.

Through my research I hope to find new ways of thinking, new approaches to these subjects that collaborate well with my own methods. Already, I have found journals that explore new, cognitive methods of therapy that incorporate a patient’s own language into their therapeutic process through activities such as David Pilgrim’s article “The hegemony of cognitive-behavior therapy in modern mental health care."  As stated in my annotated bibliography: “Pilgrim’s article provides evidence of the positive effects of cognitive-behavior therapy, or CBT. CBT provides a more extensive and intimate approach to therapy by not only looking closely into thoughts, behaviors, and feelings of the patient, but examining the relationships that lie between them as well. This text is an efficient, accurate analysis of one modern form of therapy that will benefit my overall research within the field by providing a concise scope of CBT. Because the source is a current, peer-reviewed scientific journal, it will be helpful in my mission to fully understand the current positive and negative aspects of today’s psychiatric world. I believe that CBT is a definite step in the right direction in terms of fully comprehending a patient’s situation.”  Jan Knoetze’s article "Sandworlds, storymaking, and letter writing: the Therapeutic Sandstory Method." Again, I have included Knoetze’s article into my annotated bibliography, stating: “In Jan Knoetze’s journal, the positive properties of the therapeutics methods of sandworlds, storymaking, and letter writing are examined and explained. All three of these methods allow for the patient to gain perspective on their thoughts, feelings, and emotions through the act of storytelling. I was particularly interested in this source because I have experienced all three forms of therapy, and in my experience all three deepened my understanding of myself, giving me useful tools in which I could fully explain my complications.” Through my research, I plan to create a family of like-minded thinkers who will support me in my search for knowledge.

To me, the significance of combining these three areas of study lies within a passion to find a new space of healing, one which will allow children to fully understand themselves using such mechanisms of self-reflection like letter writing and story-making. I hope to cultivate a new space in which people will be welcomed to explore themselves, using integrative thinking to understand there patterns of thought. Though my dream is quite alive and filled with passion, I am also bringing awareness to the fact that my ideals may change and evolve, and so I must create enough room around these concepts to grow together in whatever direction they may, while also creating a foundation of knowledge and understanding through research from which they can grow from. This dream was born from the best and worst experiences of my life, the once which have taught me most of what I know today. In this way, I am merging my literal self into my work with hope that it will grow and change along with the knowledge I will come across. This work put the core of my life to use in order to help others understand themselves, and through this process, I hope to understand myself more as well. 

There is also a significant theme of giving back found within the seams of these studies. Through my work, I hope to also repay the places and people that have helped me develop these passions. As of now, my end goal of these studies is to create a contemplative safe house for children, complete with a garden, and innovative forms of therapy. The main objective of this facility would be to expose under-privileged children to these new ways of thinking, preferably children who live in the inner cities of the east coast, below poverty level. If I achieve my goal of creating this sanctuary for children, I would be giving back to every place that has helped me develop: my teachers, my outdoor educators, Baltimore—the city in which I grew up, and Naropa, where I have learned these methods of contemplation. I am looking forward to the day I hire my friends to work within the facility, using their own contemplative methods of healing (i.e. horticulture, yoga, and art therapies) to help others. I am thrilled at the concept of the length of this educational journey, and all it will have to offer to me as I continue on this heart-driven path.

Anotated Bibliography No. 2

On Writing Therapy for Children Suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Dissorder

Citation: Van der Oord, S., Lucassen, S., Van Emmerik, A. P., & Emmelkamp, P. G. (2010). Treatment of post-traumatic stress disorder in children using cognitive behavioural writing therapy. Clinical Psychology & Psychotherapy, 17(3), 240-249.

            This article acknowledges the therapeutic effects of writing by exploring methods of writing therapy with children who have suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Dissorder (PTSD). The goal of the research is to provide children with the ability to revisit traumatic events by writing them into storylines, thus creating a “cognitive restructuring” of their thought processes surrounding the event. The “restructuring” is often revisited in therapy sessions and discussed often, which can provide insight and new perspective to the child. This is one of many methods of writing therapy that I hope to further explore in my studies at Naropa. I believe that this quality of therapy has a contemplative outlook on it, as children are encouraged to “think about their thinking”, unraveling their thought process and exploring the patterns their minds create through writing. Dr. Saskia Van de Oord’s is a liscensed Behavior Therapist and educator at the University of Amsterdam. Her research is focused on childhood psychopathology, with a focus on the underlying mechanisms of behavioral disorders.

Guidelines for Teaching Writing in Early Childhood Classrooms

Citation: Gerde, H. K., Bingham, G. E., & Wasik, B. A. (2012). Writing in early childhood classrooms: Guidance for best practices. Early Childhood Education Journal, 40(6), 351-359. doi:10.1007/s10643-012-0531-z

            This article provides “twelve research-based guidelines for supporting children’s writing development in early childhood classrooms.” The goal of these guidelines is to provide more effective, hands-on methods for writing development. Using playtime as an opportunity to introduce writing into artwork, storytelling, and other hands-on activities, children will associate with writing artistically at a young age, allowing for a more creative and intriguing approaches to learning for young children.  This article will be advantageous to my studies in Early Childhood Education and Creative learning. Through its provided evidence, I will learn how to integrate the two areas of study into a classroom setting, creating a modern method of writing education that will incorporate the child’s creativity and imagination into their educative processes. Hope K. Gerde (Ph.D.) has a doctorate in Childhood Development and Family Studies. She is currently a professor in the department of Human Development and Family Studies at Michigan State University, with a focus on at-risk children’s literacy and language development relate to professional developments. 

Gabby Reamer

3/19/15

INTD Studies

Gaylon Ferguson

Annotated Bibliography for INTD

Pilgrim, David. "The hegemony of cognitive-behaviour therapy in modern mental health care." Health Sociology Review 20, no. 2 (June 2011): 120-132. PsycINFO, EBSCOhost (accessed March 19, 2015).

            This article provides evidence of the positive effects of cognitive-behavior therapy, or CBT. CBT provides a more extensive and intimate approach to therapy by not only looking closely into thoughts, behaviors, and feelings of the patient, but examining the relationships that lie between them as well. Using historical psychological literature as well as CBT studies developing in the UK, David Pilgrim’s journal examines the effects of CBT on patients who suffer from depression, bringing light to the positive properties that CBT perpetuates within the therapeutic realms of mental disorder. This text is an efficient, accurate analysis of one modern form of therapy that will benefit my overall research within the field by providing a concise scope of CBT. Because the source is a current, peer-reviewed scientific journal, it will be helpful in my mission to fully understand the current positive and negative aspects of today’s psychiatric world. I believe that CBT is a definite step in the right direction in terms of fully comprehending a patient’s situation.

Knoetze, Jan. "Sandworlds, storymaking, and letter writing: the Therapeutic Sandstory Method." South African Journal Of Psychology 43, no. 4 (December 2013): 459-469. Academic Search Premier, EBSCOhost (accessed March 19, 2015).

In Jan Knoetze’s journal, the positive properties of the therapeutics methods of  sandworlds, storymaking, and letter writing are examined and explained. All three of these methods allow for the patient to gain perspective on their thoughts, feelings, and emotions through the act of storytelling. Sandworlds are small treys of sand that when combined with the patient’s imagination and a few figurines (i.e. dolls, tiny furniture, small mirrors, etc.) create an entire universe, born from their own consciousness. It is a hands-on, creative way to depict a traumatic event, a childhood memory, or any other story which helps the therapist and their patient in their exploration of the patient’s mind. Story making has similar properties, but focuses more on the writing and telling of a story, putting emphasis on the therapeutic tendencies of verbal approach. Letter writing is a form of release for a patient that focuses on release through writing, an exercise that can perhaps help in times of grief. All three use modern, creative methodology to unlock the patient’s mind. I was particularly interested in this source because I have experienced all three forms of therapy, and in my experience all three deepened my understanding of myself, giving me useful tools in which I could fully explain my complications.

This section is where you would add information about your coursework by concentration areas.  You can include specific papers or projects, annotated bibliographies, reading lists, or other important theoretical and methodological sources that are important in your work. 

Guiding questions:

• what is the meaning of higher education for you?
• what are the outcomes you hope to attain?
• what do you want to learn?
• what skills and competencies will you need or do you want to acquire?
• what frameworks or lenses (theories, angels of vision, philosophies, concepts, points of view) resonate or attract you?